Dealing with Guilt as a Single Mom: Letting Go and Finding Self-Compassion
As a single mom, it’s easy to fall into the trap of guilt—whether it’s guilt over not spending enough time with your kids, not being able to provide everything they want, or even guilt over needing time for yourself. The weight of these emotions can be heavy, draining your energy and stealing the joy from your motherhood journey. But here's the truth: guilt doesn’t define your worth as a mother, and you have the power to let go of it.
In her insightful book Let Go of the Guilt, Valorie Burton dives deep into the concept of guilt, explaining that much of it stems from feelings rather than facts. Burton writes, "Guilt often distorts your perception, convincing you that you’re failing when, in fact, you’re doing your best." This is a powerful reminder for single moms—you are doing your best, and that’s enough.
Why We Feel Guilt as Single Moms
Many single moms experience guilt because they’re juggling multiple roles: provider, nurturer, disciplinarian, and everything in between. It's common to feel guilty for not meeting the idealized standard of what we think a "perfect" mom should be.
For me, it was the constant tug-of-war between work and home. I remember coming home from work after long hours, seeing my son waiting for me, and feeling like I wasn’t giving him enough of my time. I questioned whether I was doing enough for him, even though I was working hard to provide for our needs. This guilt is a recurring theme for many single moms. But here's the first step to overcoming it: recognize that guilt is an emotion, not a reflection of your actual performance as a mom.
Valorie Burton stresses the importance of understanding that guilt is often based on unrealistic expectations we set for ourselves. We can't do it all, and that's okay.
How to Begin Letting Go of Guilt
Acknowledge and Question the Guilt
The first step is to recognize when guilt is creeping in and question it. Burton suggests asking yourself: Is this guilt based on facts or on feelings? If it’s just a feeling of "not doing enough," challenge it by looking at the reality. Are your kids happy, safe, and loved? If the answer is yes, then you are doing a great job.
It’s important to remember that guilt is a normal emotion, but it’s not something you have to carry forever.
Shift Your Focus to Gratitutde
Burton advocates for shifting your mindset from guilt to gratitude. Instead of focusing on what you think you're not doing right, celebrate what you are doing well. Take time to reflect on the small victories in your day. Did you make your kids smile today? Did you get through a tough day at work? These moments deserve to be acknowledged and appreciated.
For me, practicing gratitude was a game changer. I started journaling about my daily accomplishments as a mom—small things like making my son laugh, taking him to his favorite dinosaur, aviation experience, or helping him with homework. This practice helped me see that I was doing more than enough, even if it didn't always feel like it.
Set Realistic Expectations for Yourself
One of the most common sources of guilt comes from trying to meet unrealistic standards. We often believe that being a good mom means being perfect, but that’s simply not true. Valorie Burton encourages moms to redefine what success looks like. She writes, "You don’t have to be perfect to be worthy." This statement resonates deeply because it acknowledges that our worth as mothers isn’t tied to how perfectly we perform.
Take a moment to reflect on whether the expectations you have for yourself are realistic. Are you expecting to be present for every school event, work full-time, keep a spotless house, and still have time for yourself? If so, it’s time to let go of those expectations. Give yourself permission to be imperfect and to prioritize what’s truly important—your well-being and your relationship with your children.
Practicing Self-Compassion
Burton reminds us that guilt undermines our ability to love ourselves well. As single moms, we often place everyone else’s needs above our own, which can leave little room for self-care or self-compassion. But in order to be the best moms we can be, we need to show ourselves the same love and kindness that we show to our children.
Practicing self-compassion means forgiving yourself for mistakes and understanding that you’re only human. You’re going to have days when things don’t go perfectly, and that’s okay. Burton’s advice is simple yet profound: "Talk to yourself like you would to a friend." If your friend was feeling overwhelmed by guilt, you wouldn’t tell her she’s failing—you’d remind her of all the wonderful things she’s doing. So, do the same for yourself.
Strategies to Overcome Mom Guilt
If you find yourself overwhelmed by guilt, here are a few practical strategies to help:
Give Yourself Grace: It’s okay to make mistakes. Every parent does, and it doesn’t define your worth as a mother. Be kind to yourself and allow room for imperfections.
Ask for Help: You don’t have to do everything alone. Lean on friends, family, or community support. Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re strong enough to know when you need support.
Create Boundaries: It’s important to set boundaries, not just with others but with yourself. Know when to say "no" and recognize that you can’t do it all. Protect your mental and emotional energy by setting limits on what you can realistically handle.
Celebrate Your Wins: Every day, take a moment to reflect on the things you did well, no matter how small. Celebrate the effort you put into your motherhood journey.
Final Thoughts: Letting Go of Guilt
Letting go of guilt is a process, but it’s an essential one for living a fulfilled life as a single mom. Remember, you are doing the best you can with the resources and energy you have. Valorie Burton’s book Let Go of the Guilt offers a powerful framework for understanding and releasing the guilt that so many of us carry.
So, the next time guilt starts to creep in, remind yourself: You are enough. Your worth isn’t defined by your mistakes or shortcomings. It’s defined by the love you show to your children and to yourself. Let go of the guilt and embrace the beauty of your journey as a single mom.
Recommended Reading: For more insights on overcoming guilt and embracing self-compassion, check out Valorie Burton’s book Let Go of the Guilt. It’s a transformative read for any mom struggling with feelings of guilt and self-doubt.
